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Pentagon Streamlines Legal Department to Ensure Smooth, Hassle-Free Coup

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WASHINGTON—In a bold move to clear any pesky legal hurdles that might hinder the forthcoming Musk-Trump Restoration of Order, the Department of Defense has reportedly ousted top military lawyers who might otherwise insist on trivialities like the Constitution.

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Fox News host and noted military historian Pete Hegseth praised the move, declaring that the firings ensure lawyers "don’t exist to be roadblocks to anything that happens," presumably including but not limited to the extrajudicial seizure of power by a tech billionaire and a former game show host.

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“Military lawyers are a known threat to spontaneous, well-intentioned takeovers of the federal government,” Hegseth explained. “The last thing we need when rolling tanks down Pennsylvania Avenue is some four-star JAG nerd saying, ‘Uh, actually, that’s illegal.’”

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Insiders say the Pentagon purge is part of a broader initiative to create a more flexible, can-do attitude within the armed forces, where generals no longer worry about legal restrictions but instead focus on more pressing matters like drafting loyalty oaths and reserving Elon's seat on Air Force One. In a recent statement, a Defense Department official assured the public that the transition would be smooth: “We’re simply replacing the old bureaucracy with a newer, more streamlined system where law is determined by who has the most Twitter followers.”

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At press time, sources confirmed that remaining Pentagon staffers were hard at work designing a new military uniform that seamlessly combines the aesthetics of SpaceX flight suits and Trump-branded golf apparel.

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